I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
