I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
