omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
