I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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