R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
