i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.