do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
