I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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