the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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