I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
