I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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