never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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