I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
