Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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