you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
