thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
