a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
