you traded sex for a burrito?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
