My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I smell like Dick and happiness
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