I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
