He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
