I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
