That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
