just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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