A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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