I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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