I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
