We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
