there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
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I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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