I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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