Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
