i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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