before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
