I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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