lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
