Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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