last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
