So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
