How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
