bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
