I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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