where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
