i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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