He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
