He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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