YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im six kinds of drunk right now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
