pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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