Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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