i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I stole a fireplace last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
