Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
