I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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