Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
